I don’t want to save you, I want to stand by your side while you save yourself. -Unknown
The work in a relationship is to develop ourselves and let the other person evolve themselves. Things get twisted when we are trying to fix the other person. It’s so easy to get pulled into the quicksand thinking of: “If they changed, everything would be fine!”…I know I get pulled into it daily.
When we’re feeling judged and overwhelmed by the way people express their needs, we can get defensive or shut down.
The trick is to see past the icky sticky feelings that come with wanting people to show up differently so we don’t have to deal with our own sh*t.
We know we’re doing it well when the work becomes learning how to own our insecurities, not changing the other person. This does not mean that all people are compatible, it just means that we’ve got a chance at compatibility once we change demands into requests.
Insecurities are a bitch to deal with, and many of us have a garden growing with all different varieties of them, but they are ours to face.
The dirty truth is that the worse we feel about ourselves, the more judgy and demanding we become. So when we’re in a healthy relationship, the ask becomes “please gently and kindly show me back to myself by asking me, ‘What’s going on for you?’ Rather than criticizing me.”
The dirty truth is that the worse we feel about ourselves, the more judgy and demanding we become.
It is a true gift to let a loved one feel upset and rather than joining them in getting upset, to look and say to them, “I will sit here with you as you forget your own beauty and then I will remind you of it.”
To have the strength to truly see someone and hold them to their brilliance, now that is quite something.