***Note, the following is not speaking to situations where physical safety is at risk.
Disclaimer: Challenging conversations are messy, this equation is not a rubric to measure yourself against, it’s meant to be a practice that helps you develop mastery over time.
An introduction to the Productive Conversation Equation
When you’re feeling frustrated, angry, or confused by someone else’s thoughts or actions, one of the most powerful questions you can ask yourself is:
“How did this person perceive that as being the best option?”
For example, when someone has a different perspective than you, if you want to practice productive engagement rather than going into shut down or counterarguments that often lead to nowhere other than a depletion hangover, here are a few thoughts that can help if you do have the emotional bandwidth to begin with “How did this person perceive that as being the best option?” with genuine curiosity (not antagonistic arrogance).
Leading with curiosity can create space for mutual ground. It can allow both people to expand perspectives. When we realize—”If I had that person’s exact life experiences and biology, I’d come to the same conclusion they did.” We are able to shift from judgment into curiosity.
One way to think of it is by imagining it as a puzzle. We’re each holding puzzle pieces. I don’t have their puzzle pieces (nor do I know what they look like) and they don’t have mine. And if I insist I’m seeing the whole picture based on my own limited puzzle pieces, it’s foolish since I can’t see the entire picture based on my limited perspective.
You’ve probably heard how good communication only happens when both people are willing to be changed by the other’s perspective. But I’d take it one step further: we both might change our perspective as we lay our pieces down and begin to see a more complete picture of what otherwise feels like two opposing perspectives.
Where we get stuck is when someone insists they have the full picture, and our reactive instinct is to either shut down completely or push back, to out-opinionate them. We think that if we can dominate the conversation and insist that our opinion is the right one, the other person will have to listen and then be changed by the strength of our argument.
But what if instead of escalating, we slowed down, accessed the wise adult inside us, and remembered: We’re not here to prove anything.
This is where secure attachment with yourself becomes a superpower. When I trust my truth, I don’t feel threatened hearing someone else’s. I can hold space for another’s perspective without losing sight of my own.
Realizing that this person, whether you like them or not, does have pieces you don’t. And yes, your interpretation of their pieces might be different than theirs, but if you remain kind, calm, and grounded in your own self-respect, you may help them see their own pieces differently, too.
That kind of clarity invites a healthy, non-attached space where both of you can be heard. Because when you feel comfortable confidence in your current understanding, there’s no need to dominate. You can simply trust that your perspective might help expand theirs.
What makes hard conversations possible?
It’s the willingness to expand your perspective together, and the openness to find just enough shared ground to orient from.
This doesn’t mean tolerating argument for the sake of argument. If there’s no shared value, especially a shared underlying belief that every human is (at their core) always seeking love and belonging, it will be hard to connect.
Here’s where I always return:
I believe all people, no matter how “wonky” their behavior seems to me, are trying, consciously or unconsciously, to receive love and belonging – our 2 global shared human drives. And at some point, they learned that these behaviors are their best shot at experiencing external love and belonging (which if you do not understand how to source it from within, leaves people feeling and acting quite desperately).
And in my best moments, I remember: this person and I both want them to feel loved (no matter what they have done, I agree with MLK Jr., that love is always our best approach to transforming hate). And, since I’ve been fortunate to learn how to source love and belonging within myself (as opposed to seeking it from external sources). Then, maybe, just maybe, my perspective will help them learn how to give themselves a sense of love and belonging too.
Because when someone begins sourcing love and belonging from within, they often stop relying on (potentially) destructive behaviors to get it.
And although one conversation may not be the catalyst that creates complete instantaneous change, I have lived experience of how one conversation (from years ago) with someone, planted seeds inside of them that grew into a life of change. Seeds that, through the years, have allowed them to source their love and belonging from within.
As a side note, I find the level of non-judgmental vulnerability that I am able to start with and maintain, is the single most important predictor of the conversation.
The more the person truly feels that I wholeheartedly am not judging them. That I am not coming at the conversation from a place of “I’m better than you and I want to change or fix you,” but truly from a place of, “I want to understand you because I want to see if I’m playing a role in how you got to that as your best choice. And, after, if it makes sense, I’d like to share my perspective if you’re open to it because it just might change the way you decide to engage. And, maybe not. And I get that, too.”
A real-life example of how this plays out
One example of this occurred when a past client came to their session at 7am, still intoxicated from the night before. At the realization of this, I told them that I couldn’t continue working with them unless/until they addressed their drinking issue.
They decided to end our work together, and we parted ways. Months later, they reached out and wanted to have a conversation. They shared with me that they had been in a near-fatal car accident (when they were drinking), where they hit a street pole and were bleeding out from their head, in the car.
They shared that in that pinnacle moment, they finally understood the meaning behind all of our previous work together. And that realization was used as the motivation to get out of the car. Since the accident, they have committed to a sober lifestyle and are now happily married with a child.
That conversation changed me forever and I understood an important truth behind how change happens. The parts of me that previously wanted change to happen quickly realized, big change often happens with lived experience. And how we never know how the conversations we have with people will plant seeds behind their future actions.
How Blindspots Can Shape Behavior
An important point to add is the role of humbleness as we listen, not just to get our point across, but because we understand our own limited viewpoint. I’ve been humbled enough times in my life to stop coming from a high horse. I have seen time and time again how my privilege ripples out in countless ways that drive behaviors that I had judged as horrifying, only to follow the trail back to the way other people were holding up a reality that I was unknowingly benefiting from.
The man who is cutting himself off from his emotions so he can hold up the facade of strength so I can feel safe. Or the minority cashier who is silently giving me my way because they are afraid of my white privilege threatening their job security.
The most holistically healthy people I know share that they pursue external perspectives because they don’t know what they don’t know, until they know it.
To walk through the world while acknowledging the countless ways that we are impacting the world around us, takes real strength. It requires a sort of self compassion that is worthy of the highest regard. It means that we understand our fallibility and still hold ourselves as worthy of love and belonging, and that’s no small feat.
And it is from that acknowledgement that we gain the wisdom of humbleness. A gentle nuance that shines through the tone of voice or the posture one holds as they sit. We can feel wisdom and if it were to speak, I imagine it would say:
“I get it, we’re all doing the best we can, given what we know, in any given moment, and I mess up, too. And then I try to do better, knowing, inevitably, I’ll mess something up again. And even with all of that, you and I can still be kind to each other. And you and I still deserve love and belonging even as we’re figuring it out. Because we are all shaped through the experiences that happened to us, and why would we want to punish ourselves or each other for what we’ve survived through. Let’s be gentle with ourselves and each other. That seems like the wiser choice. And if I hurt you, please tell me. And I will try to do better. And if you hurt me, I will tell you. And you can learn how to do better. Let’s commit to not settling for hurting each other; because I want love and belonging for both of us. And if we both keep trying to learn with compassion, we have a better shot at getting there together.`”
Condensed Steps for avoiding a frustration hangover after difficult conversations
When I find myself triggered by an alternative perspective that feels in conflict with my own perspective, as long as violence is not part of the equation, here are the condensed steps that I use to manage:
1. Start with curiosity by asking (internally or externally):
“How did that become their best choice?”
When I ask this question, I keep in mind that our greatest human desires are to receive love and belonging, and some people just learned difficult ways to pursue it.
2. Remember the purpose of communication:
Good communication only happens when both people are willing to be changed by the other’s perspective.
When we lay out our puzzle pieces, we may both see things differently.
3. Notice any judgments that arise
When a sense of judgment comes up, I remind myself that the most effective way to influence what seems like wonky behavior is by modeling healthier ways to source love and belonging from within, so they no longer have to seek it in destructive ways.
4. Trust the process
One conversation might not lead to immediate change, but it might plant a seed.
If I feel discouraged by their response, I pull on the wisdom that the conversation may not create immediate change, and I never know how a particular experience may plant the seeds of future growth.
5. Offer yourself grace:
I remind myself that I am doing the best I can, given what I know, at any given moment. I recognize my intentions and appreciate the courageous actions, while letting go of my attachment to the outcome. I stay open to how the experience might shape me going forward.
6. If You’re Not Sure It’s Worth Engaging
As a side note, I find the level of non-judgmental vulnerability that I am able to start with and maintain, is the single most important predictor of the conversation.
One of the most common questions people ask me is,
“What if I don’t want to engage, because I know I’ll just end up drained?”
Work on finding your why. And then lead with generous compassion, for both of you. This world is tough, and we are all simply trying to receive the basic human desires of love and belonging.
And, although ideally this mentality of lovingkindness would be sustained in all conversations, it is likely that your ability to stay regulated and receptive will depend on how directly the fallout of their actions affects your wellbeing.
So give yourself grace. It is likely that the more compassion you hold, the more positive impact you can inspire.
For some people, reading about the Conversation Equation is enough to put it into action and for others, they need more customized support. We will be covering the Conversation Equation along with other essential topics for interpersonal and career success in our year-long program to develop Comfortable Confidence, beginning this Fall (2025).
